我和我的孩子們發現，讓我體驗他們的行為的自然負面後果比讓我告訴他們後果要有效得多。

所以，在您的情況下，我會嘗試將情況分為兩個不同的問題：

1. 單靠規則和扔掉她的財產不適合您的行為。您可以與她談談她可能選擇的其他選擇，以及由於她沒有使用屋內每個人的預期行為而可能產生的後果
2. 當您破壞某些東西時，這不是可供您使用。
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您無需將第二個問題告訴她-如果她對iPad造成的損壞使其真正無法使用，只需讓她自己發現即可。如果它仍然可以使用，但是您不再希望她使用它，那麼您可以告訴她扔iPad損壞了它，因此她不能再使用它了。我什至嘗試對她的損失誠實地同情-甚至可以告訴她一段時間，你破壞了自己關心的東西，並與她分享了悲傷/沮喪/生氣等的原因。您。請注意，我說的是老實同情-您可能必須非常努力地工作，以免最終陷入“我告訴過您”的模式。

我相信，孩子們感到的許多憤怒和沮喪與他們對自己的生活控制得很少的感覺有關。父母制定的規則即使在被解釋時也容易感到隨意，並導致憤怒。但是，由物理學制定的規則（當您扔東西時，萬有引力會使其降落，並可能破裂）不受這種解釋的約束。到7歲時，她知道如果她扔東西，它就會掉下來。她選擇扔東西而產生的後果絕不是武斷的。

TL;DR: Dealing with primary emotions is a powerful coping skill, and your daughter needs better coping skills.

Your problem is bigger than an anger management issue. There may be more going on.

I asked her to put it down as she knows the rules. She exclaims she doesn't and has never heard that rule before, chucks her iPad while sulking, onto the lounge which then bounces off and hits the floor. Let it be known she did this exact same thing 2 nights ago to which I also then told her not to chuck the iPad in anger, it could break.

If she really did know the rule (which I suspect she did), then she also lies to try to get her way.

Anger is a secondary emotion. (NB Some classify it as a primary emotion. Many do not.) It doesn't come out of nowhere; something triggers a primary emotion which turns into anger. I'm not going to try to guess what her primary emotion was, but please bear with me as I give a couple of examples.

You're driving along listening to the music on your radio when someone out of the blue suddenly cuts you off, you have to swerve and hit your brakes. A number of emotions can come in a flash before anger appears: surprise, fear, confusion, feeling unsafe (helpless), disrespected, ignored, unimportant, etc. Then you get angry - and rightly so. Righteous anger is important. But say it was no more than someone cutting in line in a queue. Anger helps us to feel powerful - like we have control. It masks the more uncomfortable feelings we get, like, say, powerless and disrespected.

All this to say, you're daughter needs to be aware of her emotions - the whole range of them - in order to learn to deal constructively rather than destructively with them. To do this, she needs a rich emotional vocabulary, because the first step in dealing with emotions is to be able to name them.

If you've not seen one before, google lists of emotions. Start conversations with your daughter ("What did you feel when... why did you feel that... would you call that sadness, disappointment, or something else?") Also, process your own emotions out loud for her to learn by example. ("Daddy's going to be late for dinner. I feel disappointed because the food won't be as good, and I made it special/I feel helpless when there's nothing I can do to change that/whatever." Then show dealing with those emotions constructively: "Well, we can't control everything, but we can still enjoy our dinner together. I wonder if we have time to read a story together before he gets home... (sorry if these are terrible examples, but I hope you get the picture.)

Dealing with primary emotions is a powerful coping skill, and your daughter needs better coping skills.

The second problem is lying to excuse her behavior. I don't know how you feel about lying, but to me, it's an extremely unhealthy behavior, allowing blame shifting and other irresponsible behaviors. But I think that's a different answer.

What I would do

Make her earn her new iPad with good behavior, specifically identifying more complex emotions and exhibiting better coping skills. Assign a point value to each example and decide ahead of time how many points she needs to get a new iPad, and make it significant. Keep the progress chart where she can see it daily, e.g. on the refrigerator. Don't dock points for bad behavior; just good. Discussions of bad behavior yielding insight into why she behaved the way she did should earn her points, so that there's a reward to do so.

Good luck. This will help her when she hits her teens, too.

_{Primary and Secondary Emotions
Emotional intelligence
Resilience Guide for Parents & Teachers}

我小時候曾經有一個橢圓形的磁鐵。除了握住別針或當作玩具外，它對任何事情都沒有用。一時的憤怒，我不記得自己為之生氣的那一刻，我砸碎了父母面前的磁鐵。我不記得父母說過的話或做過的事，但是我記得我的磁鐵被砸成四塊，作為玩具失去了很多吸引力。

我認為，就您而言，暫時不應該再有ipad了。您的孩子不是故意破壞它，而是生氣並且無法控制這種憤怒。她應該從中學到教訓。以後，您可以為她購買一台新的ipad，作為對她辛勤工作所獲得的回報。我還認為，這些年來您應該與她坐下幾次，討論在生氣中做事如何導致不可逆轉的後果。這是我們一生中多次向我們所有人介紹的課程。

這可能是一個將屏幕永久從孩子的生活中移除的好藉口。大量的科學研究將屏幕檢查時間與社交技能下降到肥胖的一切聯繫在一起。並且了解到故意破壞會造成持久（自然！）後果可能是一個很好而重要的教訓。

我的孩子（大約同一年齡）有一個親戚給他們的iPad。在特殊情況下，我們很少將其分發給他們。也許由於這個原因，他們非常謹慎地對待它。我敢肯定，他們會感到很高興看到它被銷毀而不是被替換。

如果您不願意接受該建議，這就是我兒子生氣後扔掉的東西。我給他生日那天最喜歡的書。我營救了它並保留了它，然後將其重新包裝（同一本書），並於當年聖誕節送給他（而不是給他買續集）。

If she gets allowance or money for chores or anything like that then perhaps she can "work" extra to earn it back and to start saving up for a replacement iPad or a repair.

Regardless, I want to emphasize that this really could just have been an accident. When I go to bed, every night I THROW my phone onto the bed before heading to the bathroom. This is because the bed is a soft surface and there is no chance of damage to my phone when it lands on such a surface. If this was her line of thinking (tossing it onto the couch/sofa) then it is highly likely that she was trying to put it on a safe/soft spot and didn't expect it to bounce off and hit the floor. Admittedly this is not a WISE way to treat fragile and expensive things and should be discussed/corrected once everyone has calmed down.

This sounds pretty normal to me. Note, I do not equate "normal" with "acceptable". One of our roles as parents is to create consequences for the normal but unacceptable behaviors that children display.

It sounds as if you are worried that her behavior is getting worse. That is a possibility, and in any case, dealing with her when she has become a rebellious, hormonal teenager will be even more challenging. What you want to do is start developing ways to correct her behavior (or, even better, to teach her to correct herself) now when she is young.

I'm a big fan of crafting consequences to fit the "crime". She broke her iPad in a fit of rage. Et voila. She has created her own consequences. You can sympathize with her ("I'm sorry you broke your iPad and that you don't have it any more, I know you liked it a lot..")

But in order to get her iPad back, you certainly need a way to be certain she won't do it again. ("It costs too much to buy expensive electronics if people are going to break them" "I'm not, I promise", etc, "Okay, I'd really like for that to happen. How can I help you learn how to express your anger safely? How about this..? Do you think that's a good way to let yourself be angry?") Show her that you are applying those techniques yourself, when you are angry, and be prepared to react calmly and appropriately when she brings it to your attention when you fail. She'll be far more likely to imitate you than to simply do as she is told.

Do you read to her? Maybe you could read a couple of books to her about dealing with anger, and then afterwards discuss together how she might apply what she has learned to both the original incident and to other things that are currently making her angry in her life, or things that might make her angry. Maybe at the dinner table you could each talk about a time that you were angry during the day, and whether you were able to apply your safe anger habits. If you failed, tell a story about what it would have been like if you had handled the situation that way you wanted to.

This will help to teach her to "own" her own anger, and make you a partner in helping her to cope with her own problems. Make sure she understands that it is okay to be angry, just not to do hurtful or destructive things while she is being angry.

Here are a few suggestion for good childrens' books that deal with anger:

When Sophie Gets Angry, Really, Really Angry by Molly Bang

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst

When I Feel Angry by Albert Whitman

I'm Mad by Elizabeth Crary (also I'm Furious by the same author)

I'm Not Bad, I'm just Mad by Anna Greenwald

Once you have reached an agreement on how she wants to handle her anger, you might consider telling her that before you can buy another iPad (or any other electronics device that might be seen as a substitute) she has to show you that she can use her "good anger habits" for a period of time, say, two months.

When she has a fit of anger and forgets to apply the solutions that you and she discussed before, don't yell at her, just firmly and calmly bring it up "Let's see, we talked about ways to express your anger. Which one is this? Are you counting to fifteen with your eyes closed? Have you taken ten deep breaths?" Then give her a chance to do things "the right way", and if she does, you move on as if she'd done it right the first time. Praise her for making the effort. Only if she adamantly refuses to make the effort should you "reset the clock" and tell her, regretfully, "Oh no, I'm so sad that you weren't able to apply your good anger habits. I'd like to give you another chance, shall we try again?"

Don't set the bar so high that she can't reach it, but don't lower your expectations too low, and once you make an agreement, stick to it.

One final thing: educate yourself about how to handle your childrens' anger. Here are a couple of good articles:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/dos-and-donts-of-teaching-your-child-to-cope-with-anger_b_3202744.html

http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/anger-management/helping-kids-handle-anger/